It's become a bit of a tradition in my household to get really, really drunk on Blue Jays' opening day and just have a big party with a bunch of food and friends and whatnot. "Beer-an-inning" has always been my rule, but last year got a bit out of hand, what with the 15 inning stretcheroo that we got last year.
Not only that, but it really seems like all of my go-to invitees are either busy with infant children, or are simply living really far away. Plus, it's not like everybody is ready to drink on a Tuesday at the drop of a hat.
So, my friends, I ask of you one favor: let's get hammered together. I present to you the home version of the ESD Opening Day Beer-Drink. There is an element of chance to this, so that we can all have that one friend who just gets way too hammered and then we can laugh at him all the way to the emergency room.
Universal Rules: These are rules that we must all drink to.
- Take a drink every time the Jays score.
- Take a drink every time Pat Tabler says something stupid, illogical, or really old fashioney baseball-like. Examples include someone being "an RBI guy", bunting being a good idea, and of course "big and strong". If someone "plays the game the right way," that counts for 2 drinks.
- Take a drink every time Jose Reyes come to bat. Because we have to celebrate.
- Take a drink every time R.A. Dickey gets a swinging strike.
- Take a drink every time a Blue Jay draws a walk.
- Take a drink every time Buck Martinez does that weird half-laugh, half-air-leak.
- Take a drink every time you hear that stupid "Stadium Love" song or commercial or whatever the fuck.
- Take two drinks for every passed ball.
- Finish your beer if Adam Lind faces a lefty pitcher.
- Finish your beer every time the Blue Jays hit a homerun.
Personal Rules: For each of these, pick one or the other. If your event occurs, take 1 drink. For example, if I pick (a), I only drink when (a) is mentioned, but not when (b) is mentioned.
- When someone mentions (1) the R.A. Dickey trade, or (2) The Marlins trade.
- When someone mentions (3) Mark DeRosa's veteran presence/leadership, or (4) Henry Blanco's veteran presence/leadership.
- When someone mentions (5) JP Arencibia's horrible defense and general presumed malaise with the Dickey knuckleball, or (6) mentions how amazingly well Henry Blanco is at handling Dickey.
- When (7) Buck mentions a former Blue Jay, former teammate, or former roommate; or (8) when Tabler mentions a former Blue Jay, former teammate, or former roommate in an anecdote that is otherwise useless.
- When the PA guy or the organist or whatever plays (9) The Addams Family song, or (10) that other one, that goes "DIN DUN DIN DUN *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*
- (11) Ground rule double, or (12) Triple.
- When (13) a Dominican does the "Lo Viste" thing-- a peace sign with the index and middle fingers to the side of the eyes-- or (14) the Jose Bautista/Edwin Encarnacion bicep flex celebration.
- When someone mentions the (15) '92 World Series, or (16) the '93 World Series.
- If you're playing with friends, pick a number, 1-9.
- For every run in that particular inning, take an extra drink.
- If a player in that particular batting lineup slot (either team) scores a run at any point in the game, take an extra drink.
- If a player in that defensive position (i.e. 6= shortstop, 8= CF) makes an excellent defensive play, take a drink.
Oh! And the 4th inning is the beer inning.
Here's your official roster, if you've been asleep, under a bridge.
Lars Anderson has been traded to the White Sox for cash. He was DFA'ed the other day when the Jays claimed Alex Burnett and Clint Robertson off waivers.
Other than that.... uh... Mercy is for the weak.
Dickey the best.
Dickey the best.